


until then, i want to hope again (and i want it to hurt)

by untakenbeepun



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Angst, Forgiveness, Juno learns to live, M/M, Peter learns to trust again, Peter's Perspective, Peter's sad :(, Post-The Soul of The People, vulnerable Peter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-20 15:24:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17624921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/untakenbeepun/pseuds/untakenbeepun
Summary: In deep space, among a group of thieves and criminals, Juno learns how to make amends.If only Peter knew how to forgive.





	until then, i want to hope again (and i want it to hurt)

Curiosity killed the cat.

This is what Peter had told himself as he rifled through news articles and police forms, looking for anything he could find about the state of Hyperion City.  

_Don’t check up on your ex,_ was the number one rule on every pre-teen gossip site that Peter had ever perused when Mag’s back was turned, but Peter was pretty sure that most people didn’t have exes like Juno Steel.

A clean break, he’d told himself after he’d woken up in a cold, empty bed, Juno long gone and nowhere to be found.

And for a while, that’s what it had been. Peter Nureyev put lightyears between himself and Mars, waging wars across the stars, raging through heists and throwing himself into fights and getting himself caught in ways he hadn’t been stupid enough to do for years. But no matter what he stole, what inescapable jail he broke himself out of, no matter how many creds he found himself showered in, nothing scratched the itch anymore.

 Peter Nureyev found himself cursing Juno Steel’s name to the stars. Sometimes, he laughed at the irony. Detective Steel had lived up to his name, stealing away in the night, taking away the thrill of the stars and leaving Peter with nothing left but a gaping hole in his chest and a bleeding, wounded heart.

Damn, Juno Steel. The universe had taken plenty from Peter, but at least it had left him with his dignity. The detective hadn’t even left him that.

This is how Peter Nureyev, the thief that came in the night and took everything without a trace, found himself hunched over in the corner of a fifteen-hour space shuttle, snack dust on his fingers, 21st Century classic break-up songs blasting in his ears as he scoured his comms for information about Juno Steel.

It didn’t take him long to find him. 

Detective Steel may not have been the kind of lady to plaster his face across any of the popular image sharing sites, but nevertheless, his antics left him a paper trail that wasn’t difficult to follow.

It wasn’t long before his face flashed up on a police report.

_Ah,_ Nureyev thought to himself. _This is why they tell you not to check up on your ex._

Fresh hurt welled up inside him, his chest tight as anger flamed through his veins. 

“I deserved better,” he muttered to himself, “I deserved better than an empty bed and no word.”

He wanted to smash up his comms. He wanted to smash the comms, scream until his lungs ached, race across the galaxy and find someone that could surgically remove Juno Steel from his brain.  

But once he’d started, he couldn’t stop. It was like a compulsion, to find everything he could on Juno, and find he did. The more he dug, the more Peter’s stomach sunk. The deeper he went, the more difficult it was to find information, but Peter knew where to look and which codes to crack. By the end of it, even if he didn’t know all the details, Peter had a pretty clear picture of what Juno Steel had been up to.

Just as he reached the last police report, the lights flicked on in the shuttle, and a smooth, robotic voice announced that they were thirty minutes away from landing.

Peter took a breath. Then he dialled a number and put his comms to his ear.

“Buddy Aurinko?” Peter Nureyev said. “It’s Kitty Quill. We need to talk.”

* * *

 

“You’ve reapplied it five times, I’m sure the lipstick is fine.”

Peter took a step back from the full-length mirror, snapping the cap back onto the lipstick with considerable force. “Yes, thank you, Buddy.”

Buddy was leaning against the door, arms folded. “You picked an outfit yet or are you gonna meet him in your boxers?”

“Silk lingerie, if you please,” Peter said. “And yes, thank you, Buddy. I have an outfit.”

“Never thought I’d see Kitty Quill this rattled over somebody.”

“ _Yes, thank you, Buddy_ ,” he said, through gritted teeth.  

Buddy sucked a breath through her teeth. “Listen, Quill,” she said. “You know the stakes of this job. If you can’t keep this thing you have with Detective Steel in check—”

“It won’t be a problem,” Peter said curtly, sweeping past Buddy out into the hallway.

It was going to be a problem.

He knew that the moment he propped himself up on the Ruby 7 and realised that his stomach was twisting. All that time he’d spent stewing to himself, thinking about all the things he’d like to say to Juno Steel, he hadn’t stopped to think about the fact that maybe Juno didn’t want to see him. He _was_ the one that left in the middle of the night, after all.

Peter felt like scrambling off the car and hopping the nearest shuttle he could find and setting off into the galaxy, putting as much distance from him and Juno Steel as possible. He felt like grabbing Juno Steel, wrapping him up in his arms and begging him never to leave again.

Instead, he perched himself on the car, back straight, knees up, trying his best to ignore the incontrollable thudding in his chest.

And then there he was: Juno Steel, hacking up a lung and half the sand on Mars, every bit the ridiculous, wonderful, beautiful detective he’d ever been.

Peter’s heart seized, but he did his best to smooth his face into a blank mask.

“Hello, Juno,” he said, as Juno’s eyes caught his. “It’s been a while.”

* * *

 

So, it turns out: working in close quarters with your ex? Really awkward.

For the first few days, Juno wouldn’t even look at him.

Peter would catch Juno staring at him, but the moment their eyes met, Juno’s would flicker away. It wasn’t until two days into space travel that they ended up alone together.

The room was cramped, the gentle hum of the computer monitor undid the silence. Juno’s face was illuminated by the blue light of the control panel.

“Kitty?”

It was a question filled with derision.

_Oh, Juno, did it take you two days to come up with that?_

Peter’s back straightened. “Kitty Quill. Famous around these parts. Surprised you haven’t heard of him.”

Something shifts in Juno’s expression. For a moment, his features are much softer.

“Nureyev, I—”

_Nureyev, what?_ Peter wanted to scoff.

_Nureyev, I’m sorry I disappeared on you._

_Nureyev, I’m sorry I left you alone in the bed without a word._

He waited. He waited for something, an explanation, an apology, _anything,_ but all Juno did was falter.

“If that’s all,” Peter said, dusting off his jacket and heading towards the door, “there are several things I should be getting on with—”

“Peter, wait.”

Even if it wasn’t for Juno’s hand on his arm, that would have been enough to make him stop. He couldn’t recall a time that Juno had used his first name.

He stilled, keeping his face blank as he turned back to the former detective. The hand on Peter’s wrist was warm. He wanted to link their fingers together. He wanted to shove it away.

“Please,” Juno said, “will you just drop the mask? For five minutes. Please.”

Something burned inside Peter, something that had been flickering in his veins since the day he’d woken up alone. All the things he’d wanted to say to Juno were writhing in his stomach. He wanted to rage. He wanted to scream.

Instead, he said, “I can’t.”

The computer behind them crackled.

“Do you understand how much being here hurts, Juno?” Peter said. “It _hurts.”_

Juno flinched.

“I gave you my trust, and my name. You know what that meant for me. To wake up in bed alone, without an explanation, without anything – it _hurt,_ Juno. I didn’t know if you were hurt. I didn’t know if you were okay, if you needed me, if something had happened,” Peter said. “I deserved better than that. I deserved an explanation, at the very least.”

Juno swallowed. “I know,” he said, his voice thick. “And I’ve been trying... to figure one out.”

“Well,” Peter said, dryly. “What have you come up with?”

“I... I don’t know.”

“Brilliant.”

Peter turned on his heel and headed back towards the door.

“I’m sorry,” Juno said. “I’m so sorry. I couldn’t leave Hyperion City. I thought I was cursed, I thought everyone around me was collateral damage for my mistakes, I couldn’t do that to you, I couldn’t drag you down with me. It was easier to leave.”

Peter stopped at the door, glancing over his shoulder. “Easier for who?” 

“I thought you’d move on quickly. You’d hop on a spaceship and be back among the stars. Out there. Where you belong.”

“You see, this is the problem,” Peter said, turning back around. “You think you know what’s best for everyone else. You think that your life is worth so little that it won’t destroy us if you leave.”

“I should never have left you,” Juno said. “I should have stayed and talked it through with you, I should have said something, I should have—"

Peter swept forward until he was inches away from Juno, lithe fingers tracing Juno’s cheek, foreheads pressed together, because he couldn’t resist not touching him anymore.

“I am sorry that there has ever been anyone who has made you feel like you’re easy to leave behind,” Peter said, his lips in Juno’s hair.

“Peter, I—”

Juno’s eyes flickered upwards to meet his, his lips parting. All Peter would have to do was move down, and—

“Everything in me wants to kiss you, Juno. I _want_ to lose myself in you, to be with you,” Peter said, “but I _can’t._ I can’t wake up in a bed alone again. I can’t face being left behind again. I don’t know how to trust you anymore.”

He took a step back, his body instantly mourning the loss of contact. Juno was standing still, his expression frozen in place.

“I’m sorry,” Peter said, quietly.

Then he turned around and left, his lungs aching.

Back in his quarters, Peter Nureyev pressed his face into a pillow and screwed his eyes shut, wishing with all his might that he hadn’t tried to find out what had happened to Juno Steel.

Like a knife tearing at an already gaping wound, this hurt a hell of a lot worse than it had the first time around. This time around, he had to see Juno’s face, resigned, wounded and broken-hearted, and Peter knew he’d be seeing that face every time he closed his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr at [bee-elzebub](https://bee-ezlebub.tumblr.com/) and on twitter at [@untakenbeepun](https://twitter.com/untakenbeepun)


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